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Becoming Free

Dear Friends,

I am writing to you to express my support, and hopefully understanding. I am a survivor of Ritual Abuse. I am forty now, my abuse started at four, and ended when I was eight. At eight years old I went to live in a far off country, and was taken away from the abuse.

I believe because of what happened to me as a child, that there is no justice. However, I know that there is healing and recovery. I am proof of that. I would say that now I am free, free from the power it had over me.

Physically, because I moved, I was free at eight, but mentally and emotionally, I was not truly free until last year.

I made a commitment to myself about seven years ago (when I first started working on my abuse) that no matter what it would take, I would become free from my past. Now that commitment has been fulfilled.

Fear is what I have had to overcome. Actually, it’s more like terror. You know what I mean. Terror so strong the only way I can describe the feeling is that it felt like dying. Terror like that is what they (the ones who abuse) want you to feel. It is instilled – programmed into you by them. It is possible to break free from all the programming – it’s all lies for a start.

The things that were done to me to silence me are monstrous. But I survived them, and as an adult I have survived the healing process, the journey I have taken to become free.

The journey has been so painful – there are many times I have wanted to give up. But I haven’t.

When a human being has to suffer the way I did as a child, another dimension becomes possible. I see it as a breakthrough to a spiritual place, a place called love.

I am supposed to be here, as are you, and it is love which saved me. I am not religious, but my experience in life has shown me, that at my times of greatest, deepest pain and torment, a love existed inside of me, which carried me through.

Some people call this love God, it does not really matter.

The fact is, it is there, deep down inside of me, and I believe everyone else. It is something no other human being can destroy, however much they try. Abusers con you into taking their pain and powerlessness. As a child I could not stop that. But as an adult I have come to see that all the hurt they caused to me, was about how they felt about themselves. This is a form of control, of course. I see the lie now. I have had to work very hard in therapy, and in my life to break free of the layers of lies given to me by the abusers.

This goes deep for a survivor of abuse, and I have had to fight very hard to recover.

I could not have achieved this alone, my healing has not happened in isolation. I have depended on the support of others who have understanding and compassion, and who could hear the awfulness of the story I had to tell. The Lifecentre team have been a vital part of my healing journey. They gave me hope and believed in me.

I was fortunate to meet another survivor of Ritual abuse in the early days of my recovery, and felt that at last I was truly believed. This woman had been through what I had, and could completely understand what I was saying, thinking and feeling.

One of the most difficult issues about surviving Ritual abuse is the total isolation and loneliness I felt – at the time it was happening and afterwards, carrying the images and knowledge of what I had seen.

If there is one thing I would wish to say to you it is that you are not alone, and there is hope beyond the despair you may feel.

I wish you well.

Best wishes,